The forums, eh? In the old days, I'd have piled in with all guns blazing and this would have probably resulted in a long, drawn out debate in which two things would happen:

a) I would probably not change my mind on a fundamental level.
b) I would probably learn something, despite that.

Nowadays, I've come to realise that I really don't care what some knob on the forums thinks. Even if I manage to argue them into some sort of agreement, it won't change much. My energy is better invested in larger campaigns - written, volunteer, direct action, or earning money to push into whatever I feel needs supporting.

This might be because the forums have changed - I see a lot more stupidity there than I used to. Maybe it's because I've grown up a bit and life moves on.

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In light of one particular discussion, however, I'd like to test out three scenarios. The first is thus.

In court, an elderly woman who was mugged and physically assaulted (bitten) while walking home at six o'clock on a Winter's day (in a temperate climate) testifies against the mugger. She is being very brave. She isn't sure the court will support her and she is frighteend of physical retribution. The defendant is glaring at her from his podium. Every time she looks at the defendant, she feels physically sick.

The prosecution is this: the defendant was caught in possession of the handbag. The victim identified the defendent. Traces of DNA evidence were found in the victim's wounds. The defendent was in the vicinity at the time of the mugging.

The defence is this:

Old ladies are vulnerable. They are the favourite target of muggers. Despite this, the old lady in question made no effort to dress youthfully. She persistently dodders. She wears her handbag in plain view and hasn't attempted to learn the patois of the local kids.

The court believes that the old lady brought it on herself for being vulnerable, looking vulnerable and being in a vulnerable position.

Old ladies should never walk alone, never dress in an outdated fashion, never used the language of yesteryear, never act as though they are physically or mentally weak and never go outside when it is not daylight.

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We skip into another dimension. In this dimension, there are three sexes. There are men, women and there are bemen. Bemen are larger than men and more physically powerful. They are, according to received wisdom, also more sexually hungry. Being the dominant social group, they define what is and is not acceptable behaviour. If a man or a woman isn't sexy enough, in many situations, they are disregarded as unimportant. Men and women are deluged with media images of other men and women in scanty clothing, flirting and having fun. If you're not doing this, the advertisers suggest, you are not happy. You are not worthwhile.

So men, women and bemen like socialising. They like going out and looking good and catching the eye of attractive bemen. But there are some frightening bemen out there who have urges that they can't control. Some of these bemen slip sedatives into alcoholic drinks and take advantage of unwary men and women. Some of these bemen wait in gangs in the darker parts of town and will follow people home if they are stupid enough to stray off on their own. Sometimes a bemen will seem perfectly normal until it is too late.

Although men, unlike women, cannot become pregnant, they are open to anal and oral penetration, by bremale appendages or by objects such as vibrators, sticks, knives and fists. They can suffer physical damage, tearing and trauma. The bemen aren't too picky about what they stick where, so men are also vulnerable to disease.

A lot of these attacks go unreported. The ones that do are often disregarded because of lack of evidence. Many abused men and women are subjected to scathing character interrogations. They are asked how much alcohol they drank, they are asked whether they knew the people they were out with, they are asked about their previous sexual behaviour, they are asked, basically, whether they deserved it.

Many bemen, being bigger and stronger than men and women, think that men and women shouldn't put themselves in the way of trouble. Bemen, after all, can take care of themselves. Why can't the others take personal responsibility for their ripped arseholes? They should stop dressing provocatively and drinking alcohol.

However, the bemen make no effort to stop the advertising, and they still prefer it when men and women look good and flirt with them. So pervasive is the notion that personal responsibility lies with the victim (a view held by many bremen, men and somen), the victim will often feel painfully guilty about being on the receiving end of an attack.

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We skip into another dimension altogether. In this dimension, women and men are roughly equal, except that in some countries, men are supposed to dress to cover their masculine features and sometimes they are stoned to death for adultery. Here they are expected to shave everything below the hairline (otherwise they aren't making an effort) and they do not earn as much as their female counterparts. They are also expected to take care of the children.

In the parts of the world where men are supposed to cover up, squads of women roam the streets armed with cattle prods and guns. If they see any men dressed improperly (showing, for instance, a strand of hair or two), they bundle them into the back of the truck and subject them to an invasive bodily exploration to find out whether they are 'virtuous' or not. This is done, ostensibly, to protect them from the vice of lust.

One woman in particular is extremely virtuous. She reports every man she sees displaying more than the rectangle of skin around his eyes. She says that she is 'enflamed' by the sight of a hairy forearm, and duly, the displayer of the hairy forearm (his clothing slipped for a moment during an excursion to the shops) is arrested and processed.

This is for his own good. He might enflame other women and then who knows what might happen to him?* The woman enforcer never questions why she herself is so 'enflamed' by a scrap of flesh. She never stops to think about what is wrong inside her that makes her feel this way. It is the man's flesh, so it is the man's fault.

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In case anyone missed the massive, glaring subtext to these little fictions(?), I am sickened by anyone who thinks that a rape victim 'brings it on herself'.

Yes, there is such a thing as personal responsibility. It is not always wise to walk alone at night. It is not always wise to dress provocatively. It is not always wise to consume too much alcohol. Actions have consequences.

At the same time, I think that every woman, anywhere, should be able to walk alone at night, to dress however she wishes and consume what she wants without being afraid of what might be waiting in the dark.

Personal responsibility is waking up in the morning, having a fucking horrible hangover and not moaning about it too much because hey, it was self inflicted.

Personal responsibility is not about stopping someone from doing something that they shouldn't be doing in the first place. You are responsible for your actions. Not the actions of those around you.

Let's look at it from another angle.

The little old lady is assaulted. A kind soul drives off the attacker before he or she can hurt the little old lady and returns her handbag. The little old lady is shaken, but her faith in humanity is restored. Do you think the little old lady smugly congratulates herself on having arranged for a rescuer? No. No more than she should blame herself for having been attacked in the first place.

Defend yourself, yes. But no one should have to live in fear, either of rape, or the ignorance that follows it.

And if anyone believes that someone is 'asking for it', then logically, by their own argument, they must take responsibility for the fact that it is people like them that make it so difficult for victims to come forward and seek justice. You are an apologist for the attacker, making it possible for rape to happen again and again and again.

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*This story is inspired by a sequence in Reading Lolita in Tehran: A Memoir, by Azar Nafisi. If you want to read further, I'd recommend Meena, Heroine of Afghanistan, which is an unashamedly propagandist version of a life story, but given the circumstances surrounding the publication, I can fully understand why. It's worth a look.